Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. Spoilers ahead!
This week is The Meg. I totally wanted to see this in the theater but I didn't make it- imagine this on the big screen!- but alas I've had to settle for streaming. Still... I'm pretty pumped for this one, so let's jump right in.
Deep sea rescue! Jason Statham! I've never seen a Statham movie- honestly- so this is all new to me, but he has to rescue some dudes here and... something is bashing into the sub. Yeah, a big ass shark is what it is, but they're not going to show us that of course. Not yet. Five years later we're on a research facility called Mana One, off the coast of China. Time for introductions. We got Morris the investor, Dr. Zhang the scientist, his daughter Suyin, and Suyin's daughter Meiying. Oh, and we also meet the whales- Lucy and Gracie. Think they'll show up again?
We've also got the station chief Mac (hey this guy was on Fear the Walking Dead til he fell out of a helicopter), Jaxx the engineer (hello Ruby Rose- she's in this too??), Dr. Heller (hey it's Longmire), and DJ. And... Lori in a sub with two other guys Toshi and The Wall. Why is his name The Wall? I have no idea. Okay I think the science here is real sketchy- they think the bottom of the Marianas Trench is not really the bottom, it's just a cloud of something and there are depths beneath it. And of course they're right, and down they go. I'm sure nothing will happen.
Okay something will happen. Something rams the sub and they're fucked- cut off from Mana One. They decide to go get Statham's character Taylor as he's the only one experienced enough to operate at that depth yada yada. And of course he's in Thailand, drunk all the time, because no one believed him five years ago when he said something humongous bashed in the sub we saw at the beginning. It's always like that. The only guy who can help is of course a wash- up in some dump somewhere- seriously don't they get tired of writing the same trope over and over?
I'm gonna skip a bunch of stuff that's boring. Taylor goes down and we finally see the shark- why exactly is it attracted to light? - and Toshi doesn't make it, sacrificing himself so the others can escape. Oh and all that stuff about the bends you always hear about, having to ascend slowly- none of that's a factor. I mean they're at the bottom of the fucking Marianas Trench. Anyway Meiling is probably the best part of this so far- her and Crazy (I mean Taylor- she just calls him Crazy) have a fun dynamic. She sees the meg too when it rams into the station trying to get her.
So boats are getting wrecked and they're off to help. Not much left to help, sadly enough. And this is really dumb when they try to tag it with a GPS tracker. I have a question- why did the meg demolish a boat but when they arrive it doesn't do anything? It just keeps swimming around. You know the longer this goes on, the more glad I am that I missed this in the theater. It's pretty bad. We now have Suyin in a shark cage and she's gonna shoot it with the poison they developed- and yeah that goes about as well as you'd expect.
But hey it works. Sorta. And they've got the thing on board, all deceased- even though the last we saw it was sinking into the depths- but... nooo. There's another one, bigger than shit. And the boat is capsized. Heller sacrifices himself so Jaxx can live...awww. There's a lot of nobility happening here. And these open ocean scenes are kinda cool. I think Suyin's kinda got a liking for Taylor too. And DJ has some insights to share.
"And you went down there, and you pissed it off, now it's gonna come back and kill every one of us!
Swimming in this ocean. That one ate the other one. Is another one gonna eat this one?"
Okay so Morris is an asshole. He's worried about lawsuits so he sets out to kill sharkie with depth charges. Right. Meanwhile Meiling is sorta playing matchmaker with her mom and Crazy, er Taylor. And when Morris doesn't make it back (surprise) Taylor and the others gear up to kill the meg. The only problem is Meg is headed for the crowded beaches of Sanya Bay. There are so many people in the water it's like a buffet. Why isn't the shark eating any of them? I guess they're building dramatic tension? This is the best part of the movie though- too bad it took so long.
Oh now it's killing people. The scene where it's cruising under the swimmers is pretty awesome. That paddle boarder has no idea lolol. Thank goodness they lure it away with whale sounds or it would have feasted. So Suyin and Taylor are in gliders (these awesome mini-subs) and I'm starting to get bored again, but then these film crew helicopters collide and one of them hits the ship. Everyone goes overboard again! That was kinda cool. So Suyin and Taylor play chase with Meg and we have the usual near misses and stuff, until finally Taylor kills it with a harpoon or something to the eye. Ewww. Actually, it's still alive but then a swarm of sharks come and blood frenzy all over it- but why don't they eat Taylor too? Questions, questions.
So... did this movie suck? In a word- yes. It has its moments, but by and large- this would not be a good use of $10 at the show (even more w/ popcorn). I think I actually liked The Shallows with Blake Lively better. Still, it would be fun as a lark, a party movie- have lots of beer. It needs more beach scenes and more DJ though.
Oh and Pippin the dog is okay!
And hearing Hey Micky in Thai was pretty cool.
That song is gonna be in my head forever now! LOL I love it! I have read the Meg series and enjoyed them and waited years for this movie to be made. I'm going to watch it no matter how bad. Just got it in the mail and saving it for the weekend. I'll be sure to share my review too, Greg. Yours was more fun than the movie promises to be:)ReplyDelete
I know, right? I think I had it in mine for days. And I hope you love it- I can imagine book readers would be excited for this! Can't wait to see what you think- and it does have its fun moments!Delete
It’s has a Jaws ring to it! Then again I suppose there’s no getting around that! 😂 love the oh mickey song! Reminds me of school days lolReplyDelete
I would like to read the MEG books which coincidentally Laura introduced me to. (Waves at Laura)
Kinda ya! And oh Micky was one of my favorite things about lolol.Delete
I had to skip reading what you said as I haven't seen the film but my dad and I plan to watch it. I never loved the book though-too much relationship angst so I hope that isn't in the film!ReplyDelete
I hope you like it- the relationship angst goes as far as they're divorced and that's pretty much it- not a lot of angst!Delete
I gotta tell you Gorgeous Greg that I am one of Jason Statham's biggest fans ever, and I literally watch him in EVERYTHING over and over and over(lol) including talk shows, and I own every DVD he's ever been in. When I saw that he was starring in a shark movie, my heart died my eyes rolled and my husband laughed because he should have known better than to star in this. But because he's my boyfriend, I had to watch it, and cringe inside I did, almost the whole way through, constantly shaking my head, and thinking that this would surely be rated as one of the worst movies of 2018! Ugh...(lol) Thanks as always, for such a cool review! ROReplyDelete
Hey rockin' Ro- are you? I didn't know! Wow you ARE a fan! Glad you liked it though (the review) and the movie too (mostly? maybe??)Delete
I really wanted to see this movie when I saw the previews at the theatre this past fall. But...I have a reluctant husband who can’t tolerate bad movies. I was worried about the dog’s survival, too! I think I might be able to talk him into it now that I have your insight but I will have to listen to all of his commentary while it’s playing!ReplyDelete
Me too! I was bummed I missed it! Now, not so much! Hope you guys enjoy it :)Delete
Gotta know that the dog is ok before I watched so thanks lolReplyDelete
I missed this in theaters too. I'm amazed at how well it did.
Karen @ For What It's Worth
The dog is good- I was a little worried tho!Delete
hahahaha you cracked me up Greg! This is the first time I remember seeing the F word on your blog LOL! So it seems it though it had it good moments it majorly sucked, at least enough to make you curse a few times you made my day LOLReplyDelete
Right? And you need to come by my Movies posts as I tend to... cut loose a bit.Delete
I refused to see this movie only because the author is a jerk and I didn't want to support him with my $10. I feel a bit petty, but I'm glad that it pretty much sucked. :)ReplyDelete
Is he- I had no idea!Delete
Yep, this does sound very bad on the factual side and I'd be too busy querying all that to get into the rest of this story! Thanks for watching so I know not to bother!!ReplyDelete
Yeah- if you're not into this because of the book or whatever, I'd say... hard pass!Delete
This is the first time I'm hearing of this movie. The only Jason Statham movie I remember watching was one of the Fast & Furious movies that he's a villain in. Though I can't really remember anything about it so take that as you will. Great review!ReplyDelete
Ooh I didn't know he was in one of those. To be honest I had never seen him in a show before. And haha got it! I don't think he was bad in this- it's just bad movie all around lolololooDelete
I only cared about the doggie! Glad you had fun watching :)ReplyDelete
The only other Statham movie I've seen was Spy but that was excellent and he was really funny in that one if you get a chance to check it out.
Glad I didn't waste $10 on this one. (But I love your review of it!)ReplyDelete
This was definitely ALL over the place fact-wise. I had to go in with my brain shut off or else I would have been giving a running commentary on what they got wrong for all 2+ hours. That being said, going in with no brain cells meant it was reasonably entertaining! I don't think I'll ever watch it again, but it was fun enough. Great review!ReplyDelete
We actually did see this one in the theaters - the tickets were free, LOL! I knew it was going to be bad, but it had Jason Statham, and he's my guy.ReplyDelete
I missed this in theaters too, but I'm looking forward to watching it this weekend with my husband on streaming. Like you said, probably better this way because it doesn't sound like it would be worth the ticket price and snack, but it still sounds so much fun!ReplyDelete
~Mogsy @ BiblioSanctum
Yeah NO way am I watching this so thanks for doing it for me!ReplyDelete
Jen Ryland Reviews
Thanks for watching it for me. Not my thing. Ha ha. 🐙ReplyDelete
I missed this one in the theaters and I have to say I'm glad I did now. Like you say though, it does sound like it could be fun to watch in certain circumstances, like a movie party (the beer would be a necessity, of course, lol.)ReplyDelete
Honestly more than anything I want to know if there are actual beaches like the one in that clip because I have been to the beach many times, many different beaches even, and I've never seen one like that. There are so many innertubes it looks like a bowl of fruit loops! And why is everyone swimming in such deep water??? And why are people driving jet skis and running around in floaty ball where there are so many people?? That's so dangerous! Anyway, yeah, this sounds like something I would not watch lol.ReplyDelete
I wanted to see this in the theater, too, but didn't manage. Hubs and I watched this as our Thanksgiving movie. :)ReplyDelete
I saw this film because of Jason Statham - okay, maybe not really, my family really wanted to see a 4DX film and we went to this one because of the water. But some scenes were visually stunning and it was a lot of fun for a bad film. I did love the dog!ReplyDelete
I loved this cheesy movie. Perfect for a popcorn night when we don't have to fully focus on the movie.ReplyDelete
Gayathri @ Elgee Writes
hahahaha I love this! I haven't gotten around to seeing this one yet. I have very low hopes for it.ReplyDelete
Apparently I am only here for Thai Hey Mickey. And yeah, the movie would have been more with popcorn, but you could have focused on eating the popcorn and ignored this debacle altogether! It sounds so bad. Like- the "exciting" part would not have even done it for me, I don't think. Also- these are books, too? I assume they must suck less, right? Also Travis is still alive in the alternate Fear universe. Produced, written, and directed by Kim Dickens. I hear it's fabulous.ReplyDelete
Okay I'm not sad I missed this one! I didn't figure this one would be worth seeing in the theater but I figured I'd watch it on HBO or SciFi or whatever it came out on but I think I'll pass on that too!ReplyDelete
I have never even heard of this movie before today. My hubby LOVES these shitty movies. LIKE LOVES THEM! I have to tell him about this one. In fact maybe get him the dvd of it. When you said "Lori in a sub with two other guys Toshi and The Wall. Why is his name The Wall? I have no idea." Why is his name the Wall? Hysterical again!ReplyDelete
Thank you for bringing a bright spot in my week!
I'm hoping to borrow this from the library - I'm not expecting a lot, but it could be fun. :)ReplyDelete