Movies That Suck #13 Murder on the Orient Express

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways.  

This week is Murder on the Orient Express- the latest film adaptation. I've heard pretty mixed things (mostly bad, honestly) about this so it should be interesting. And I've never read the book, so I'm going into this one pretty blind. I have seen part of the 1974 movie version, which apparently is well regarded, although frankly I was underwhelmed by what I saw- but again, haven't seen the whole thing. So I'm coming into this from a position of not knowing much about it?  

Well let's get started. The movie opens in Jerusalem in 1934, where we have an opening sequence designed to impress on us how astute Hercule Poirot is, the famed Belgian detective, played by Kenneth Branagh and sporting a ridiculous mustache that, frankly, I do not want to look at for the next two hours. But alas I must. So far Branagh seems capable in the role. And here comes Daisy Ridley as Miss Debenham- she's kind of a breath of fresh air! This is the first thing I've seen her in since Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Oh, and she calls him Hercules Poirot, of which he quickly disabuses her. They're both on a ferry to Istanbul, along with a Dr. Arbuthnot, who seems to know Debenham. What are those two planning? 

Poirot likes his bread, and is in a bakery where he meets up with his friend Bouc, who happens to be a director of the Orient Express line. It would appear that Poirot is needed in London, and so must travel on the train- such a hardship. Bouc says he can get him a berth- after all it's winter, right? Bouc has a cute prostitute with him at the time, I guess to establish his rakish behavior as well as the fact that Poirot goes around telling everyone what he surmises just by meeting them- I mean he calls her a prostitute. Little overkill there? Anyway we're boarding now and everyone's starting to show up- we have some guy named Marquez, and here comes Penelope Cruz as Pilar Estravados. A rather snarky looking Johnny Depp is here as Ratchett, and there's Derek Jacobi as Masterman. 

We have a MacQueen and a Count Adrenyi. Seriously I knew this movie was going to be a pain in the ass with names! And then there's a Countess Adrenyi as well. What's the deal with these two? So the train is full, which sucks for Poirot, but a passenger is late so Poirot gets his berth- sharing with MacQueen. He runs into Michelle Pfeiffer's Caroline Hubbard as he boards- she's a talkative thing! One thing I like Poirot here is kinda likable, urbane, smiles easily- from what I've seen of the '74 movie the Poirot in that one is a lot more uptight? This one's a lot easier to watch. I like the sequence where he's passing various guests as he looks for his cabin. 

I didn't know Judi Dench was in this! As a Princess Dragomiroff (wow) and her servant Hildegarde. And Willem Dafoe too? As a Cyrus Hardman. Okay Masterman and MacQueen work for Ratchett apparently, got it. It's funny seeing Derek Jacobi as a put-upon manservant here, reminds me of a role he played in Gosford Park, if I recall? Anyway Depp seems to be overdoing it a a bit as Ratchett. Relax, dude. He's not a good guy, tough on the help. And apparently he's getting threatening notes. After Masterman brings him a drink he runs into Hubbard, and gives her a good looking over. "Eyes linger any longer I'll have to charge rent." To be sure. 

Poirot learns after the first night that he's being upgraded, to Bouc's first class cabin. Always nice. We have a nice scene in the dining car as Bouc and Poirot have a meal, we learn that Hardman is apparently racist, and Debenham takes exception to that. Daisy Ridley seems to be holding her own so far with this ensemble. And we get a rather deliberate moment of poignancy when Bouc exhorts Poirot to lighten up and enjoy some romance, and Poirot replies that he had somebody... once. He then has cake with Ratchett, who wants to hire him to serve as a bodyguard. Poirot refuses- they don't get on well. And at a stop in Vinkovci we see Dr. Arbuthnot and MacQueen walking together- something Ratchett sees as well. 

There's a storm in the mountains and lightning triggers an avalanche- I think in the '74 version it was just snow over the train tracks?- so that brings things to a halt. Oh and Poirot hears a thudding noise from Ratchett's cabin- uh huh- and is that Hubbard running through the hallway with some kind of red robe on? Anyway the train's fucked (and on a bridge to boot) so thing are a little tense in the dining car the next morning. Everyone wants to know what the fuck, and Bouc is like chill, they'll be along to dig us out. Estravados makes a rather dire warning that some things are out of their hands. I'm sure. 

Ratchett is of course murdered and I love how the whole scene of finding his body is shot from above. Bouc implores Poirot to take the case, which Poirot has no desire to do, but Bouc convinces him by pointing out that local police will most likely pick a suspect and hang them- and it could be Marquez due to his name, or Arbuthnot for the color of his skin. That's an interesting premise. So the questioning begins and there's a dining car full of nervous suspects. Poirot finds a charred remnant of a note and realizes that Ratchett was really Cassetti, the culprit in a child abduction that ended in the child's death two years prior. And Hubbard insists a man was in her room during the night.  

Debenham has a secret, and she's not telling! Poirot asks her what she meant when she talked to Arbuthnot before the trip- words that Poirot overheard- but she declines to explain. But ooh! Hildegarde has info! Poirot learns that she saw a different conductor in the night, and that red robe/ kimono thing is found in his luggage. And an extra conductor uniform- with passkey- is found in Hildegarde's cabin. MacQueen is implicated, but nah- he didn't do it. Hubbard meanwhile is stabbed- seems fairly ho-hum, they pull the knife out- and move on with the investigation. Poirot figures out that everyone has a connection to the abducted child case, and that they all might be involved- and when he gets Debenham to admit her part Arbuthnot shoots him out of the blue. Woo did not see that coming! 

So Poirot gathers everyone outside (cold!!) and tells them there are two options. Either someone joined the train at Vinkovci, did the deed, and escaped- nah!- or... they all did it! Yeah that's it. All of them had lives that were destroyed or impacted by the murder, and Poirot lays it out in a pretty effective way. I like it, even though I'm getting cold watching them with those mountains and snow in the background (and that friggin mustache is sooo annoying). But you know... Branagh did a fine job! I like this version of the detective way more than what I've seen of the '74 version. . 

Hubbard admits it was her doing- she recruited everyone and they all took part, including everyone taking a turn stabbing Ratchett. Pretty effective flashback scene showing it, too. A poignant moment, with the music a nice accompaniment. I get more impressed with this movie as it goes along. Poirot tells them they can go free, he cannot judge them, if only they kill him, to silence him, and places a gun before them. Hubbard grabs it, but to kill herself, not him- but the gun is empty. And Poirot walks away. 

Powerful moment. And I almost shed a tear as Michelle Pfeiffer brings the emotion with her performance. The train reaches the station and Poirot informs the police that a lone assassin did the deed and escaped- and he tells the assembled passengers that in this case, and for the first time, he must let the scales of justice be unbalanced, or whatever. What's really important is that he lets them go, and lies to protect them. Which really is the only thing to do, I'm thinking? I loved seeing everyone coming to terms with the aftermath, reflecting quietly or playing cards, brooding. And, as he disembarks, Poirot is approached by a man who says he is needed- in Egypt. There has been - a death on the Nile! 

So this was actually good. And once more I am forced to reevaluate the name of this feature- either that, or start picking worse movies! Although in my defense I had heard pretty lukewarm, to actually bad, things about this one. But nope- I liked it.