Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. Spoilers ahead!
This week is Ghidorah, the Three- Headed Monster! Just in time for the new Godzilla movie. The cool thing is Godzilla, King of the Monsters is almost looking like a remake of this 1964 film. I mean, you have Godzilla and two other monsters- Rodan and Mothra, taking on big bad Ghidorah, right? I have a feeling the new one is gonna be a little more put- together, but let's take a look back at the first appearance of Ghidorah- and see what Godzilla and company have in store.
So it's 2:00 am as this starts out and some scientists are apparently waiting to hear from extraterrestrials. I don't know but then some meteors start falling. As they get excited about this, we segue over to Shindo, a detective who is being detailed to protect a princess Selina, visiting from the Himalayan kingdom of Selgena.
Selina is fleeing for her life as her uncle wants to assassinate her.
She hears a voice telling her to flee, and she steps out of her plane- apparent suicide- but we know better. And then her plane blows up so wherever she went she's better off?
Some geologists are arriving to investigate the meteors that fell. They find one, deep in the mountains, that has strange magnetic properties. Mm-hmm.
Naoko, a reporter, is assigned to cover a prophetess who is calling on the people of Earth to assume their proper role as citizens of the universe.
The crowd is fairly rude, with one idiot telling her to do a striptease. Clearly misogyny was alive and well in 60's Japan.
But ooh- the prophetess is the princess Selina- who now claims she's from Venus. She's disappointed no one will listen to her warnings, but Naoko says she'll listen. Selina claims the Earth is in danger, and correctly predicts both the appearance of Rodan in the mountains and the reappearance of Godzilla.
Shindo goes home and we meet his sister, who is... Naoko! They're watching TV and see the Shobijin (Mothra fairies) performing. The Mothra fairies are priestesses, too, and they sing to Mothra and stuff. Shindo, meanwhile, sees a picture of the Venusian prophetess in the newspaper and realizes with a start that she's Selina!
I think Shindo has a thing for Selina. Meanwhile the asshole uncle realizes Selina is alive as well, and sends his assassin Malmess to kill her.
So yeah- not a good guy.
Rodan meanwhile has flown the coop, and now Selina is warning the Mothra fairies not to sail back to their island, since Godzilla is going to appear. Oh, and the meteorite in the mountains is growing. Godzilla rises from the sea and incinerates the ship that the Mothra fairies almost sailed on, so... they made the right call.
Rodan is flying around. Why doesn't he ever flap his wings though? He's almost like a fixed- wing jet- he just veers around with no discernible wing movement? Weird.
Naoko has put Selina up in a hotel, but her uncle's assassins have caught up to her. They're about to kill her but little do they realize the Mothra fairies are in the room. A shoot out occurs when Shindo arrives but the assassins escape.
Why is Godzilla here? I mean, now? So many questions.
Okay, so the egg/ meteorite is hatching.
Selina relates her story- centuries ago Ghidorah ravaged her homeworld, Venus, and wiped out her civilization. And now it's here!
The authorities are announcing it as Ghidorah to the people- but how do they all know its name already?
Ghidorah is wrecking the place.
And now Rodan and Godzilla are fighting. Why??
The fairies are asked if Mothra might defend Japan from Ghidorah, and they don't think the caterpillar is powerful enough. But... what if Rodan and Godzilla were to cooperate with Mothra? Hmm...
So the fairies call Mothra, and he starts swimming to Japan. Won't that take a while? Meanwhile, Godzilla and Rodan are still fighting! Don't they have anything better to do?
Shindo and some doctor place Selina under hypnosis and realize... she is a Venusian. And the survivors of their catastrophe came to Earth millennia ago and eventually became Earthlings. Their only instinct remaining from their heritage being to warn of the impending threat of Ghidorah.
Now they're going to do shock treatment on her?? Gah. And here come those idiot assassins.
Rodan drops Godzilla on an electrical tower just in time, since Malmess turned the voltage up on the shock treatment that Shindo and the doctor are inexplicably giving to Selina. Talk about a shocking development!
Godzilla is finally putting the smackdown on Rodan.
Mothra is here! That was quick. And Godzilla and Rodan are literally throwing rocks at each other. Honestly.
Mothra talks to them. And we have the fairies to helpfully translate. Rodan just wants to fly away, and Godzilla is like screw it- he's had nothing but trouble with people. Why should he help? And he and Rodan just want to keep fighting. Meanwhile, Ghidorah is getting nearer and he's blowing things up. Including the assassins, who get killed in a rockslide. Guess that's sorted.
Mothra actually scolds Godzilla for his language. Trivia: this is only in the American version. The original Japanese cut doesn't have that moment.
Mothra decides to fight Ghidorah on his own, since Godzilla and Rodan won't cooperate. How is it they're all coincidentally in the same spot though???
Ghidorah is blasting the you know what out of Mothra. Poor Mothra always get the shaft. But yay here comes Godzilla. He's not gonna let lil ole Mothra get the stuffing beat out of him, I guess. Battle is joined!
Can I just say, as cheesy is this is, the music is AWESOME?
Rodan joins the fray, and leads Ghidorah away. Godzilla offers to let Mothra hang onto his tail so he can keep up as they go after Ghidorah... awww. And wait... Rodan switches course and rams Ghidorah to the ground. You know, Rodan is kinda badass in this.
Hurry up, Godzilla! Rodan needs help.
Selina meanwhile is praying for salvation and... wait!... Malmess is still around! He's shooting at her and she falls off a cliff. Shindo climbs down to help and it's almost game over for them, but the monsters battling causes another rockslide and this time Malmess is toast. He was determined though.
Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra are really taking it to the big G now. Ghidorah just blasted Godzilla in the bum with his lightning (I guess, in the fandom, those are gravity beams, but I don't know what that's all about) and Godzilla actually grabbed his bum as if to say... oww. I kid you not.
Mothra is spraying G with silk and Godzilla is slamming him around now. They seem to have this somewhat in hand. Ghidorah's had enough and is out of there. And- surprise!- Selina is fully restored and no longer thinks she a Venusian. Her and Shindo have a nice moment and there is definitely something there- but she has to go home.
Mothra and the fairies are going home too, but they say goodbye to Godzilla and Rodan as Mothra swims away. Aww...