Wednesday, June 16, 2021

Movies That Suck The Lost Continent


Movies That Suck returns! For those who don't know Movies That Suck is where I watch a film so you don't have to. I share my reactions in real time, kinda like live tweeting without the tweeting. Although... quite a few of my selections have turned out to be... pretty good? So you never can tell for sure. This one is a keeper- The Lost Continent. I'll point out that I originally planned to do this one a looong time ago- in fact, my Sunday Post #311 mentioned that I was waiting for it to come available. Well, my Blu- ray arrived.  

This opens with a jazzy little number and a view of the Sargasso Sea. Or, um, a fictional version of the Sargasso. Pretty sure in real life it's not full of, you know, shipwrecks and monsters. But we'll get to that. The beginning with its dry land scenes reminds me of One Million Years BC- which was also produced by Michael Carreras, the director of this film. Hmm. Oh, and this is based on a book called Uncharted Seas. 

So we start off with a tramp steamer called the Corita. We're having a funeral for a child, and there's, like, conquistadors and shit onboard. Clearly we're coming into the story in the middle- or maybe the end? Afterwards we segue back to the beginning, with the Corita setting sail for Caracas- and avoiding a customs tug. Why? Because the good captain Lansen is smuggling explosive cargo, that's why. The customs guys are like- I'm glad I'm not aboard with that cargo! 

We get to meet the passengers now. Eva Peters gets offered a drink some con guy who has cash in his jacket- literally. Unity tells her dad Dr. Webster that she's not feeling well and heads for the cabin. Her dad explains that she needs to find her sea legs- we then cut to Unity having sex with some dude named Tony. Ooh, sultry! 

Sexy little scene.

The navigator says the charts are a little out of date. Uh huh. The captain tells him to avoid the usual shipping lanes. The crew, unfortunately, discover the explosive cargo. Phos B, or phosphorus B, which is apparently explosive when it comes in contact with water. And guess what? A hurricane is approaching! 

Hennings the second in command expects they'll turn back, but the captain is like fuck that. When Hennings protests the captain says - let the passengers decide. Huh? They of course being the skeevy lot they are decide to press on. Why is Eva's route fixed, though, as the captain puts it? He must know something. The bosun, meanwhile, and some of the boys tell Hennings about the illicit cargo, and are nonplussed that Hennings was unaware. I sense a mutiny brewing. 

Why is the captain looking at Eva's passport? 

The captain plans to sell the cargo and the ship when he gets to port. Hennings is like I'll have that drink now after previously declining. A little understated humor here. 

Eva finds Ricaldi (some shady guy) going through her stuff- turns out she stole two million worth of securities and negotiable bonds. He's going to take them back but Eva tempts him with a little...personal bonus. Unity is wearing quite the outfit and her dad is not pleased. 

"Groping around with some man, I suppose."              

Thanks, Dad. Turns out Dr. Webster is a bad man- on the run for doing illegal operations?

An anchor chain problem causes a leak, and...oops. They're fucked. Water pouring in where the phosphorus B is. Mutiny! The bosun and Hennings (poor Hennings, he's pulled both ways) try to take command and things go south. The passengers seem very calm. The captain shoots at the mutineers and someone dies. The remainder of the crew get the pumps working again. I kinda like captain Lansen, rogue that he is. 

The generator goes though and it's time to abandon ship. These idiots can't even row! They manage to survive the gale force winds, though, and are adrift. 

Unity's kinda hot.

A fight breaks out and, sadly, Dr. Webster is killed by a shark. And Eva kills one of the sailors with a flare gun when the sailor attacks Lansen. That was cool. 

So... 45 minutes in and we start to see... vegetation. Is it Sargasso sea time? Yes! The captain pulls some seaweed in and it attacks him- and then the cook falls in and the seaweed gets him! And... they're back at the ship.  

The seaweed doesn't give up though, and soon the propellers are fouled. I guess they're not worried about the phosphorus B now that the storm has gone. The seaweed is taking them... somewhere, though. Unity tries to seduce Tyler and when that doesn't work she's attacked by a huge octopus with a glowing eye. Yes. Give her credit, she really works the screaming. The seaweed is not done, either- they're deep in the Sargasso now. 

They spot land and... something moving. It's a woman and she's got balloons attached to her. And, like, snowshoe type things to navigate the seaweed. This is bizarre as fuck. She's also stupendously well endowed *rolls eyes* She's being chased by dudes with balloons as well. The crew fight them off and the surviving raiders retreat back to their Spanish galleon, where they report their failure to their leader- El Supremo. Who is a kid. He proceeds to make an example of the failed raiders by feeding their leader to some horrible monster. Sarah the stupendously endowed explains to the crew about the conquistadors and El Supremo and how she is descended from religious refugees.

The captain and Eva have a connection. 

Sarah decides to try to get back to her people and they go after her. They get lost, of course, but Sarah finds them. Tyler and Sarah are pairing off. One of them is attacked by a crab thing, which is in turn attacked by another creature- the special effects are the worst I have ever seen. Eva, meanwhile, is attacked by seaweed back at the ship. Tyler and crew are captured by the Spaniards- but thank goodness the captain to the rescue. The crew narrowly free Tyler and Sarah and expose the corruption of the Spaniards- El Supremo chooses to flee with them but is, sadly, killed- hence the funeral in the beginning- and bonus they kill the inquisitor and the monster too. Ooh they brought Phos B with them. 

Holy crap they brought a little jury rigged catapult and they shoot Phos B into the galleon, causing lots of fireworks! 

Freed of the seaweed (it burns too) the ship sails away. 

This movie kind of surprised me. Almost the first hour has no monsters whatsoever, and the drama of the passengers- they all have secrets- is almost more like a mystery or thriller. I wanted to know more, and I really liked the scenes where they were sitting in the lounge drinking. You could be forgiven for thinking this was a seaborne mystery. I also liked the character development- the captain and Tyler in particular start off skeevy and by the end I liked both. A few of the people here have layers, not something you'd expect in a show like this.

  


16 comments:

  1. Trash of the highest order. LOL That Unity sounds like quite a character. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. The seaweed attacks them? That's kind of awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wha ha ha!! You are watching movies that suck so that we don't have to. That made me laugh so hard now!! Thanks Greg, always the hero. Love this post! Please do it again!

    Elza Reads

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My thoughts exactly! I'm loving this new series. So Bad That It's Good is totally wonderful. "Freed of the seaweed (it burns too) the ship sails away." Just love the snark! 😂

      Delete
  4. Another 'what in the actual fuck?!?!' from me this time around!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ha ha! Mystery Science Theater right here! love it. That's a terrible movie!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This honestly sounds kind of hilarious and a blast?? Like sometimes terrible movies are still enjoyable and this one def seems to fall into that category. I hadn't heard of this before so thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel like I'd have liked the random sea drama, but it probably would have lost me a bit with the monsters and sentient seaweed, tbh. I am sad that the kid dies though too!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I vaguely remember watching this movie a looooooong time ago. Thanks for watching it for us, I think I'll pass, ha ha. Interesting to know it's based on a book. 📚

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think I like all of the characters to have layers, not just a few! haha That TikTok seemed faked to me; I hope it was but I know there really are people that hateful.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think I've seen this because it sounds really familiar. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Unity, I don't think that's what Dad meant when he said to find your sea legs. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for sharing, I loved the sunset over the ocean!

    ReplyDelete
  13. hello, thank you for stopping by. I don't know this movie. have a nice monday!

    ReplyDelete