Thursday, August 2, 2018

Movies That Suck - Chernobyl Diaries

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Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways. So let's have a look...  

This week we're looking at Chernobyl Diaries. This one was recommended by Sarah at All The Book Blog Names Are Taken- and she assures me this one is NOT good.   

So we're at the airport getting a montage of people traveling- our intrepid explorers of Chernobyl I'm sure. They seem to get around- London, Paris, Frankfurt. Apparently next stop- Kiev! Once there they hook up with another guy- Paul. Okay so we have Chris, his girlfriend Natalie, and their friend Amanda. Paul makes it four. They're going to Moscow next, and Chris plans on popping the question to Nat. Aw. But... no. Paul has an idea. He knows this guy named Uri, see, and there's this "extreme tourism" thing where you go to Pripyat, this abandoned town near Chernobyl. Uh- huh. Exactly. Move on, people. But no- Amanda (who seems like the smart one?) actually goes for the idea, so it's decided. She's a photographer apparently and likes the idea of taking some snaps. 

Uri seems a bit sketchy. He's ex- Special Forces, supposedly. And they have two other tourists along for the ride as well- Michael and Zoe. Zoe's from Norway. Why does that matter? I dunno. They travel in Uri's POS van to the "exclusion zone" at Pripyat- Chris wants to know why an abandoned town needs a checkpoint- I'm wondering that as well- but Uri's like everything's fine. Only thing is, the guards are not letting them in. Apparently there is "maintenance" going on. Right. Uri though says there are other ways to enter. And as they make their way to this alternate entrance Natalie notices there are no birds or animals around. 



Chris is sounding the alarm at this point- he's not down with all this- but everyone else is like fuck it, enjoy. Uri stops at a river to "show them something", but he just proceeds to scare the shit out of them by pretending something grabs him. They're more or less amused, but then they find a rather strange looking fish washed up. Ugly thing. And as they're leaving there are some big fish swimming around, as if disturbed... I'm sure everything's fine though. So they arrive in the town proper and have a look around- everything's abandoned, there's old carnival rides in the square where they park. Eerie place. You know, I just don't see the appeal... 

So they look around and take lots of pics, you know, touristy stuff. In one of the buildings they're checking out an abandoned apartment and Uri seems to know more than he's letting on. Time to go. As they're leaving they hear noises, and Uri seems freaked too. But don't worry- it's just a bear. Yes, there is a bear lumbering around the apartment building, and they book their ass out of there. As you do. Natalie and Paul have this little exchange on the way out. 

"Thanks for that."
"Yeah, don't mention it. Told you it'd be exciting, didn't I?"
"Yeah, almost getting mauled to death by a radioactive bear from hell? Pretty exciting."

Back at the van there is a problem. Van won't start. And look, something has been chewing on wires. And it's getting dark. And there's no reception. Uri does not seem confident. As night falls they start to hear noises. Zoe wants to know -

"Are there people here?

I don't think they're people. Anyway Uri gets a pistol out of the glove box and gets out to have a look see- and Chris joins him. The windows are all fogged up so they can't see much, but then- gunshots!- and Paul runs after Chris. They make it back to the van but Chris' leg is all torn up, and Uri is... gone. Chris says there were a lot of "them," whatever they are, and that they took Uri. Not good. And Chris is a mess. Oh crap dogs are attacking the vehicle now. Dogs? Who knows? 



So in the morning Paul, Michael and Amanda go looking for Uri. They find him, too- unfortunately he's deceased. Very deceased. And they encounter something that they barely get away from- but they make it back to the van and are like we gotta get outta here. Unfortunately, Chris can't walk. So... they gotta split up. Right. Paul, Amanda, Michael and Zoe go for help, leaving the gun with Natalie and Chris. The good news? They find some cables to fix the van. The bad news? The dogs find them and chase their ass to a river... where Michael gets bitten by something in the water. Must be nasty fish- the dogs don't go in so they clearly know the drill. 

So now it's dark and they're just getting back to the van? Man that day went fast. The van though is gone. Like ripped apart. Natalie's camera was recording though, and they can see that her and Chris were taken by... something. Or a bunch of somethings. They follow a blood trail into some buildings and find Natalie, who's in shock, but no sign of Chris. Michael and Zoe want to leave and get help, but Paul doesn't want to leave his brother. Amanda convinces him they'll come back but that they're no help to Chris if they die. So they try to get out but that's not happening. And here's where it gets freaky! They see a little girl, just standing there, and while they're gawking at her something grabs Natalie. 

So... they just found her, and now they're lost her again. The tension is really ramping up here in the last half hour. As they look for Natalie they get cornered by mutants, or whatever they are- zombies?- and have to haul ass, but Michael doesn't make it. They're trying to get a door closed and the muties just grab him and haul him off. Ouch. They keep running and farther down they find the engagement ring Chris was going to give to Natalie. Apparently this is where the mutants are living because there's a ton of them here, and Zoe gets pulled down as they're climbing a ladder to get away. It's just Paul and Amanda now... 

They're in the actual reactor area now? All those underground tunnels I guess. Oh, and they find Natalie's body. She's toast. They're having trouble seeing now, and their faces are blistering... I guess the radiation is really high here. They get attacked just as they make it to freedom, but manage to fight their way out- Amanda is kind of a badass, honestly- but then as they get outside they are confronted by soldiers. Paul can't see anything and as he staggers towards them, they shoot him. That leaves only Amanda, who collapses next to him in despair. 

Amanda is whisked into some kind of facility and the doctors ask her who else knows she's there. Not good. They also speak amongst themselves that they can't let her go, she's seen "them." "Them" being the mutants- who are actually patients. The patients had escaped and have now apparently been rounded up. And... the doctors shove her into a cell and lock the door. It's pitch black and we get a glimpse of mutants before the observation window on the door slams shut. Amanda is not going to make it.  


 Okay- so that was crazy. Actually as horror movies go it's not super tense, nor is it gory- I mean there are some scary bits and a little bit of blood but it's not bad. As for the movie itself... well I gotta agree with Sarah on this one. It's not really good. Although it is better than I expected! I liked Amanda, and it would have been nice to see Zoe and Michael escape. But, alas...   

19 comments:

  1. YIKES! I started watching this one years ago, but turned in the towel because it just didn't seem to make much sense, nor was it a fun movie.(lol) You give a really good review of it, though, and reminds me I was right to just stay away.(lol) Hugs...RO

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    1. Right? I suffered through it for you. :)

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  2. I think I'll be giving this one a miss!

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    1. Yeah, you won't be missing much, honestly.

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  3. I watched this one a while back and I found it just ok. It was slow and I found myself bored much of the time.

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    1. Yeah not a lot happens until it's almost over?

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  4. I would probably have given this one a miss but after reading your post I will definitely not watch this one. Good review, as always.

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  5. OOF - normally I would watch this one because I'm a small fan of historical happenings, but Chernobyl Diaries (as good as the title sounds) sounds like a miss for me as well.

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  6. I legit went to see this movie in theaters ONLY for Jesse McCartney. Because I was like 16 and this was still a thing lol. I enjoyed it for the most part but it was not at all what I expected. Scared me a few times though.

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  7. This actually sounds like something my husband and I would watch, if we just came across it on Netflix. Will try to steer clear now, though!

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  8. Oh my gosh. I had such high hopes for this one. But I don't think I ever finished it... I remember the dogs, but nothing after that...

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  9. Wow these people are just stupid

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  10. I think this is one I'll definitely steer clear of, although I did have to chuckle at the radioactive bear wandering through the apartment complex, lol. Do you have any plans to review any of the Sharknado films?

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  11. I guess it's clear why I barely remember hearing about this when it came out, lol. Good one, Greg!

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  12. First, Sarah's blog name always cracks me up, I love it. Second... wow. I laughed so hard at Uri being "very deceased" because let's be real, you KNEW the Russian van driver was never making it hah. Though from personal experience, Russian van drivers seem to be.. their own breed altogether?

    So NO ONE made it out alive!? That is depressing! I mean, Amanda at least should have lived. But NOPE she got eaten by zombies apparently. It sounds like it was crappy, but also mildly entertaining so I think that's a win- good for snarkability but not *too* painful for you to sit through!

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  13. YES!! I am so glad you gave this one a spot on your sucky movies list! Unfortunately Eleanor's dad and I paid money to see this steaming pile of garbage. we had marginal hope for it to at least be a decent horror flick, since the guy who did Paranormal Activity (at least the first two were creepy good) did this one. Alas, it was not to be. And I kind of don't mind that everyone died, that never happens in horror movies.

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  14. Wow, my comment is not here. Hmm... Stupid Blogger. 😡

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