Movies That Suck - Night of the Comet

       

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it won't matter? At any rate, grab a cuppa and let's see what we have, shall we?   

This week is Night of the Comet! Yes!! I'm super excited about this as I've seen it before and I remember it being trash. But delightful trash! And frankly I remember very little. So let's see what this bad boy has to offer. First of all, it's an 80's movie- let's get that out there right now. And it stars Catherine Mary Stewart who was something of a hot commodity at the time for these sorta middle of the road (read: B) movies? The premise here is that a comet is passing by Earth and something bad is going to happen. We even get a ridiculous voice over at the beginning telling us that the last time the comet swung by was the end of the dinosaurs. So... you know, there's that. 

Regina (Stewart) is playing a video game at the theater where she works, and she's pissed that someone's beaten her high score, so she stays past closing time to get her initials in all the high score slots (anyone from the 80's will understand this, I'm sure). And... she wants to bang her boyfriend the projectionist, who is... wait. No fucking way. Is that the dude from Valley Girl? It is! The asshole boyfriend. This movie rocks already. And... yup, he's an asshole here too. Meanwhile we meet Valley Girl #2- Samantha (played by Kelli Maroney) in her spandex yellow leggings. 

Sam and Reggie are sisters and their stepmom is a real piece of work. After stepmom slaps her, Sam slaps her back, and stepmom hauls off and decks her. Wow. Good thing though, cause a pissed off Sam spends the night in a steel lined shed, which saves her from extinction apparently. And Reg is getting it on with her BF in a... wait for it... a steel lined projection room. Yup. Meanwhile something bad is happening outside as the comet appears. And the next morning, the sky is red, and... where is everybody? There's just piles of clothes and all this red dust everywhere. Oh, the red dust is the people. Reg's BF tries to go outside and gets clubbed with a wrench by a...zombie? I guess? 

Tommy from Valley Girl is in this. Notice the upturned collar. 

Reg goes outside and gets locked out of the theater, and when she goes down the alley to try the side door, she finds BF's keys to his motorcycle. And zombie dude attacks her, of course (and he's got a chunk of meat in his hand- I guess that's BF?), but she kicks his ass pretty good and gets away. She goes home, finding dust everywhere where, um, people used to be, and finds Sam safe.  

Hey there is someone else alive, though! They go to a radio station, thinking the DJ on the radio is a person (it's not) but they do meet Hector. He seems like an okay guy- he and Reg get off to a rough start (in other words, love interest) while Sam plays DJ. Why is Sam dressed like a cheerleader? Oh yeah, she was gonna go to practice and never... changed back. Right. So Sam's talking shit over the airwaves and someone calls on the tip line. Woah, somebody's out there? Yup. Some researchers out in the desert, in a secure facility, and they can hear everything the girls and Hector are saying because they're talking on the air. Duh. The researchers want to bring the girls in, for the most part, and to make this even better, the leader of the group is none other than Geoffrey Lewis. 

So Hector has to go to San Diego to check on his family, and Reg asks him not to. I mean, the guy needs to check on his family, right? But he promises to come back. Him and Reg are getting pretty cozy already- good thing Reg's BF has been gone for a while (you know, like a day). Not to worry, Reg assures him they weren't really serious anyway. Glad that's cleared up. And then... I'm not sure where exactly they got the automatic weapons from, but they do some target practice. Oh, wait Reg did mention hitting an armed forces reserve place. I guess we skipped over some time. 

Sam's a little pissed that Reg has snagged the last guy on Earth- after all, who's she gonna have? Meanwhile Hector goes home and everyone's gone, except for some zombie kid who almost eats him. I thought Hector was gonna shoot the kid for a minute, but he likes kids, he says, and just runs away. And at the secret base Audrey, one of the scientists, has a disagreement with Dr. Carter, the leader (Geoffrey Lewis). They're bringing survivors in, including two kids... but for what purpose?  

Reg and Sam are hitting the department store but... they didn't figure on zombie employees. A firefight ensues and this happens.  

Yes the zombies talk. Apparently it's a slow deterioration as they succumb to... whatever it is. Drying up and becoming dust I suppose. Anyway Willy the stock boy and his zombie cronies capture the girls but thankfully the scientists show up and rescue them. The girls, being pretty dumb, let the scientists separate them, with Reg going back to the facility and Sam staying with Audrey, to wait for Hector. Audrey, though, is clearly up to something. 

Oh shit. Audrey gives Sam something to knock her out- is she dead?- and then she shoots Oscar, the other scientist who stayed behind. When Hector shows up she explains to him that the scientists were trying to develop a serum- using blood from survivors- to try and slow the progression of the comet dust. Get this- the scientists left the ventilation ducts open at their "secure" facility- so they're all infected and are gonna desiccate away too, like everyone else, within 36 hours. Hence bringing the survivors in. They need the blood. As Reg is being grilled about her health history by Dr. Carter, two nurses are extracting blood from survivors they've killed, and they decide to do the children next. 

"They're so cute. I love working with kids."

Aww. Dr. Carter tells Reg that Sam is dead (since Audrey was supposed to kill her) and Reg escapes, as Sam (who is not dead) and Hector arrive to break her out. This is kind of a mess, but whatever. Reg and Sam free the kids, and Reg has time to compliment Sam on her new clothes.  

"Hey, that's a great outfit."

I'm telling you, Dr. Carter does not have his shit together. Reg makes it look easy fighting off his guys and rescuing the kids. Oh, and Hector wired the bad guys' vehicle to blow, so just as Dr. Carter starts to turn he gets blown up. I thought there were more bad guys but I guess they got blown up too? Anyway everyone can chill now, and they return to L.A. where they basically own the city. Except... Sam still doesn't have a man, right? 

But wait, there's more. She's crossing the street against the signal and almost gets run over by a kid in a sports car. Does that look like the quintessential 80's rich kid or what? Yup. Time to rebuild civilization, y'all. 

Oh, and the kid's license plate? DMK. The same initials that Reg had to beat on her video game at the beginning. 

And that, my friends, is Night of the Comet. 

So... does it suck? Oh let me count the ways. Here's Stewart and Maroney discussing filming.