Movies That Suck Mean Girls

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways. So get comfortable, grab a favorite beverage, and let me tell you about a movie that sucks. 

This week is Mean Girls - which I have never seen. Really. My first time. And I'm told it's good! So yeah... let's check this baby out. Oh and thanks to Shannon at It Starts At Midnight for the recommendation of this one.   

So Cady (Lindsay Lohan) has been homeschooled and raised by her zoologist parents in Africa, but now they've settled in Illinois and Cady is going to high school! Lucky her. After almost getting hit by a bus on her first day, she proceeds to stumble her way through her first class, which includes crashing into her teacher Ms. Norbury (Tina Fey- yay). Having spilled her coffee all over herself, Ms. Norbury proceeds to remove her sweater, flashing her bra to the class as she does so. She seems pretty chill about it though, and now we meet the principal Mr. Duvall (Tim Meadows). Um, does he have a thing for Ms. Norbury? 

She soon makes friends with Janis and Damian, who proceed to fill her in on the cool girls- the Plastics. Seriously? Queen bee Regina (Rachel McAdams) and her pals Gretchen and Karen. Man it's so weird seeing Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Seyfried so young in this one! I kinda like Janis already. She helpfully points out the various cliques, including the "sexually active band geeks" which cracked me up. Ooh Cady of course meets the Plastics forthwith, and they are pretty shallow. Especially Karen who wants to know why Cady is white if she's from Africa??? 

Cady has a cru-ush *singsong*. Aaron in her math class. But shit he's Regina's ex! That's gonna be a problem. But she is totally hanging with the cool kids, they even go to the mall where *gasp* Gretchen sees a guy she likes with another girl. Regina fixes that problem by calling the girl's mom and telling her that her Planned Parenthood results are in. "She's not going out with anyone," proclaims Regina. Wow. And Amy Poehler's in this?? As a "cool" mom lol. Love it. 

Ooh there's a "burn book" where the Plastics rip on everyone. Janis is a dyke apparently according to the book *rolls eyes*. Janis wants her to steal it, and meanwhile Cady is crushing hard on Aaron. He invites her to his Halloween party, and I had to laugh at the "slut rule." Anyways... to no one's surprise Regina kisses Aaron and tells him all these lies about Cady, so that didn't go well. Cady decides to declare war, at Janis' urging. Ooh this should be good. 

Oh my gosh the talent show- stop. Jingle Bell Rock? The look on Cady's parents' faces as she gyrates up there with her new "friends"- awesome. You know this movie does have its moments. Okay the plan is back on after Gretchen breaks down and spills some of Regina's secrets to Cady. And they manage to break up Regina and Aaron! Or Cady does after telling Aaron that Regina has been cheating. I kinda like how Cady is sorta becoming a bad girl here, playing the game? Oh and did Amy Poehler just ask Regina and the guy she's making out with if they need a condom? 

So Regina is gaining weight now thanks to the Swedish "weight loss" bars Cady hooked her up with. And I love the four way phone convos (although that would be texting now) where they lie to each other- Cady is doing a bang- up job sabotaging the Plastics. She is now the queen bee! Is she as bad as them? Janis tells her off and oh shit- Regina discovers what the "weight loss" bars really do. It's war. She gives the burn book to principal Duvall and then spreads copies of the pages all over the school. Fun! 

So it's a brawl. School- wide. Pretty entertaining actually And then they have an assembly, where Ms. Norbury shames them all into understanding that they should be in this thing together, not sniping at each other all through high school. Aww...  although it is a good message, obviously. And everyone apologizes to each other in a scene that would never really happen, but at least Janis gets her dig in on Regina. I wonder how much of that would be different if the movie were made today, considering the changes in attitude towards LGBT rights in the last decade? Would the fact that Janis is gay even be an issue? Anyone in high school wanna weight in? 

But wait! Oh my gosh did Regina JUST GET HIT BY A BUS? *sputter* what... is she dead? She's gotta be, cause splat! But... she's not??? And Cades is worried about going to school the next day because everyone hates her- umm why would there even BE school the day after THAT shit? I mean a brawl and a bus killing queen bee. Or not killing... does she even feel bad??? Okay she fesses up to smearing Ms. Norbury as a drug dealer, and they're all good... as long as she joins Mathletes. She gets to miss Spring Fling too, the big dance. 

But- they win the math competition and make it to Spring Fling anyway! Time to rock this thing and make it right, and Cady does after winning Spring Fling queen. And ooh we get the obligatory updates on where everyone went. Let's see- Regina joins lacrosse and is a boss, Karen uses her, um, talents to announce weather, and Gretchen has a new clique- the cool Asians! Aaron goes to Northwestern and is seeing Cady- awww- and there are Junior Plastics now! A new clique hath arisen! And they're promptly taken out by bus. Just kidding. 

Bonus points for the credits song, a cover of Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol, done by The Donnas. Enjoy.