Movies That Suck - The Meg

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. Spoilers ahead! 

This week is The Meg. I totally wanted to see this in the theater but I didn't make it- imagine this on the big screen!- but alas I've had to settle for streaming. Still... I'm pretty pumped for this one, so let's jump right in.   

Deep sea rescue! Jason Statham! I've never seen a Statham movie- honestly- so this is all new to me, but he has to rescue some dudes here and... something is bashing into the sub. Yeah, a big ass shark is what it is, but they're not going to show us that of course. Not yet. Five years later we're on a research facility called Mana One, off the coast of China. Time for introductions. We got Morris the investor, Dr. Zhang the scientist, his daughter Suyin, and Suyin's daughter Meiying. Oh, and we also meet the whales- Lucy and Gracie. Think they'll show up again? 

We've also got the station chief Mac (hey this guy was on Fear the Walking Dead til he fell out of a helicopter), Jaxx the engineer (hello Ruby Rose- she's in this too??), Dr. Heller (hey it's Longmire), and DJ. And... Lori in a sub with two other guys Toshi and The Wall. Why is his name The Wall? I have no idea. Okay I think the science here is real sketchy- they think the bottom of the Marianas Trench is not really the bottom, it's just a cloud of something and there are depths beneath it. And of course they're right, and down they go. I'm sure nothing will happen. 

Okay something will happen. Something rams the sub and they're fucked- cut off from Mana One. They decide to go get Statham's character Taylor as he's the only one experienced enough to operate at that depth yada yada. And of course he's in Thailand, drunk all the time, because no one believed him five years ago when he said something humongous bashed in the sub we saw at the beginning. It's always like that. The only guy who can help is of course a wash- up in some dump somewhere- seriously  don't they get tired of writing the same trope over and over? 

I'm gonna skip a bunch of stuff that's boring. Taylor goes down and we finally see the shark- why exactly is it attracted to light? - and Toshi doesn't make it, sacrificing himself so the others can escape. Oh and all that stuff about the bends you always hear about, having to ascend slowly- none of that's a factor. I mean they're at the bottom of the fucking Marianas Trench. Anyway Meiling is probably the best part of this so far- her and Crazy (I mean Taylor- she just calls him Crazy) have a fun dynamic. She sees the meg too when it rams into the station trying to get her. 

So boats are getting wrecked and they're off to help. Not much left to help, sadly enough. And this is really dumb when they try to tag it with a GPS tracker. I have a question- why did the meg demolish a boat but when they arrive it doesn't do anything? It just keeps swimming around. You know the longer this goes on, the more glad I am that I missed this in the theater. It's pretty bad. We now have Suyin in a shark cage and she's gonna shoot it with the poison they developed- and yeah that goes about as well as you'd expect. 

But hey it works. Sorta. And they've got the thing on board, all deceased- even though the last we saw it was sinking into the depths- but... nooo. There's another one, bigger than shit. And the boat is capsized. Heller sacrifices himself so Jaxx can live...awww. There's a lot of nobility happening here. And these open ocean scenes are kinda cool. I think Suyin's kinda got a liking for Taylor too. And DJ has some insights to share. 

"And you went down there, and you pissed it off, now it's gonna come back and kill every one of us! 

Swimming in this ocean. That one ate the other one. Is another one gonna eat this one?"

Love it. 

Okay so Morris is an asshole. He's worried about lawsuits so he sets out to kill sharkie with depth charges. Right. Meanwhile Meiling is sorta playing matchmaker with her mom and Crazy, er Taylor. And when Morris doesn't make it back (surprise) Taylor and the others gear up to kill the meg. The only problem is Meg is headed for the crowded beaches of Sanya Bay. There are so many people in the water it's like a buffet. Why isn't the shark eating any of them? I guess they're building dramatic tension? This is the best part of the movie though- too bad it took so long. 

Oh now it's killing people. The scene where it's cruising under the swimmers is pretty awesome. That paddle boarder has no idea lolol. Thank goodness they lure it away with whale sounds or it would have feasted. So Suyin and Taylor are in gliders (these awesome mini-subs) and I'm starting to get bored again, but then these film crew helicopters collide and one of them hits the ship. Everyone goes overboard again! That was kinda cool. So Suyin and Taylor play chase with Meg and we have the usual near misses and stuff, until finally Taylor kills it with a harpoon or something to the eye. Ewww. Actually, it's still alive but then a swarm of sharks come and blood frenzy all over it- but why don't they eat Taylor too? Questions, questions.

So... did this movie suck? In a word- yes. It has its moments, but by and large- this would not be a good use of $10 at the show (even more w/ popcorn). I think I actually liked The Shallows with Blake Lively better. Still, it would be fun as a lark, a party movie- have lots of beer. It needs more beach scenes and more DJ though.  

Oh and Pippin the dog is okay! 

And hearing Hey Micky in Thai was pretty cool.