Movies That Suck Tremors

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways. So get comfortable, grab a favorite beverage, and let me tell you about a movie that sucks. 

This week is Tremors, a thoroughly ridiculous film about creatures under the ground who eat people. Why? Who knows. I guess it's sort of a cult classic? Those are always good so now I'm intrigued. Plus Kevin Bacon is in it. I mean what more do you need? Let's see how bad it is.  

It's pretty bad. Anytime the lead starts the movie by taking a piss you know you're in trouble. But I'm already committed. And look who else is in it? Fred Ward as Earl. Fred Ward was always in loser movies so this one will definitely suck. Oh and Kevin Bacon's character is named Valentine *rolls eyes*. Man he was young here though. So these two clowns are "handymen" doing odd jobs out in the desert- I guess- and after some shitty early dialogue we meet Rhonda Lebeck, a grad student who is studying seismology. All by herself. She's getting some strange readings on her seismographs. That's a shocker right? Valentine was hoping for a blonde grad student this time around, so he's initially not interested (which means of course they'll be together by the end). Oh, and he's not shallow or anything. 

The boys pull into the town of Perfection, population 14. They stop at some dump store called Chang's and we meet a survivalist couple- Burt and Heather (and Heather is played by Reba McEntire- what's she doing in this??) The boys are emptying someone's septic tank, so yeah they're doing really well in their life choices. Apparently they do all the shit jobs in town (see what I did there?) Rhonda meanwhile has her first encounter with... whatever is underground, but she doesn't see it as she drives off.   

So the boys are setting their sights higher and leave town for someplace called Bixby, where presumably their fortunes will improve, but they pass a guy they know named Edgar up on a power pole, so they stop to see what he's doing. Turns out he's dead- died of thirst. What was he doing up there? Hmm. And we get our first casualty, as some old guy gets sucked under the earth while his sheep go crazy. The boys are driving by his place later and find his body, and all the sheep are dead too. Well, not his body per se- just his face sticking up out of the sand. Apparently the rest of him is gone... 

The town's all worked up now, all dozen or so of 'em, so the boys decide to get help... but the road out of town is blocked by a rock fall. The road crew that was working there are sadly no longer with us. The boys get stuck briefly trying to get away, and when they get back to Chang's they realize some slug thing is wrapped around their truck axle. Burt the survivalist helpfully opines that it could be a mutant. Meanwhile the killings continue, and since this is before the era of cell phones, they're isolated. The boys decide to ride for Bixby since Chang has horses, but they don't get very far. Earl loses his horse and they barely survive an attack by a very big worm. And Rhonda shows up too. 

Apparently the monsters are called graboids? Thanks to Amazon for that little factoid. The graboid killed itself by running into a concrete wall while chasing the boys, but Rhonda (the smart one) figures out there are at least three more. You know, as an aside, Kevin Bacon's hair is kinda distracting in this movie. I bet they spent a lot of time on it. Anyway the three of them are stuck on a big rock with another graboid just waiting for them to make a move. Apparently they sense vibrations or some such nonsense- really, stop trying to "explain" the things. I mean, they're graboids??

So conveniently enough there are some long poles at the base of the rock, and Rhonda has the idea to pole vault from rock to rock until they reach her truck, I shit you not. I said she was the smart one. Back at Chang's place they debate what to do while Chang and some brat kid try to decide what to call the beasties. Melvin (the kid) almost gets eaten, and then a big ass graboid attacks and starts wrecking the town. Rhonda gets her feet caught in some barb wire fencing and Valentine comes to the rescue. "Get out of your pants," he tells her. Yes, she has to take off her pants to get free. *Sigh*

So she has cuts on her legs from the attack and Val is helpfully applying iodine or whatever, while Earl kinda looks on. Um, creeper much? Thankfully they find her some replacement pants, after spending a little time showing off her legs. It's not long before there's another attack, and sadly Chang is pulled to his doom. So now they're on the roof of the store, except for Rhonda who's on the water tower. Burt and Heather (the survivalists) are back and when the graboids go for them, they're in their element as they're loaded for bear. They've got an arsenal in their basement and they blow the shit out of it basically. Go Reba!!  

Score one for the survivalists. But they're still in deep shit, trapped on the roofs. I keep hoping Melvin will get killed, he's a little jerk and he hid when Rhonda was in trouble. So now the plan is to get to the tractor, apparently, and use that to get to safety. Val goes for it and makes it- barely- and so far so good. What are the survivalists doing though? Loading ammo big time. Okay they're all in the bulldozer thingie and headed for the safety of the mountains, but... it's not that easy. The graboids dug a trap and the bulldozer's stuck. 

Now they're stuck on rocks again. They manage to blow one up- this is making me want to be a prepper- but the last one is smart, ya'll. It's not falling for their tricks. Val has an idea though- they're by a cliff, and if they get the graboid to chase them really fast, maybe it'll go over the edge? Is this roughly the same spot where he was taking a piss at the beginning? I do believe.  

Okay so they made it. And Val works up his courage and kisses Rhonda. I'm not really feeling those two but you knew it had to happen. To be honest I'm shocked that this inspired, what, like 15 sequels? Still, it was moderately fun? But it's over. 

Thankfully.