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Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Movies That Suck #13 Murder on the Orient Express

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Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways.  

This week is Murder on the Orient Express- the latest film adaptation. I've heard pretty mixed things (mostly bad, honestly) about this so it should be interesting. And I've never read the book, so I'm going into this one pretty blind. I have seen part of the 1974 movie version, which apparently is well regarded, although frankly I was underwhelmed by what I saw- but again, haven't seen the whole thing. So I'm coming into this from a position of not knowing much about it?  

Well let's get started. The movie opens in Jerusalem in 1934, where we have an opening sequence designed to impress on us how astute Hercule Poirot is, the famed Belgian detective, played by Kenneth Branagh and sporting a ridiculous mustache that, frankly, I do not want to look at for the next two hours. But alas I must. So far Branagh seems capable in the role. And here comes Daisy Ridley as Miss Debenham- she's kind of a breath of fresh air! This is the first thing I've seen her in since Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Oh, and she calls him Hercules Poirot, of which he quickly disabuses her. They're both on a ferry to Istanbul, along with a Dr. Arbuthnot, who seems to know Debenham. What are those two planning? 



Poirot likes his bread, and is in a bakery where he meets up with his friend Bouc, who happens to be a director of the Orient Express line. It would appear that Poirot is needed in London, and so must travel on the train- such a hardship. Bouc says he can get him a berth- after all it's winter, right? Bouc has a cute prostitute with him at the time, I guess to establish his rakish behavior as well as the fact that Poirot goes around telling everyone what he surmises just by meeting them- I mean he calls her a prostitute. Little overkill there? Anyway we're boarding now and everyone's starting to show up- we have some guy named Marquez, and here comes Penelope Cruz as Pilar Estravados. A rather snarky looking Johnny Depp is here as Ratchett, and there's Derek Jacobi as Masterman. 

We have a MacQueen and a Count Adrenyi. Seriously I knew this movie was going to be a pain in the ass with names! And then there's a Countess Adrenyi as well. What's the deal with these two? So the train is full, which sucks for Poirot, but a passenger is late so Poirot gets his berth- sharing with MacQueen. He runs into Michelle Pfeiffer's Caroline Hubbard as he boards- she's a talkative thing! One thing I like Poirot here is kinda likable, urbane, smiles easily- from what I've seen of the '74 movie the Poirot in that one is a lot more uptight? This one's a lot easier to watch. I like the sequence where he's passing various guests as he looks for his cabin. 

I didn't know Judi Dench was in this! As a Princess Dragomiroff (wow) and her servant Hildegarde. And Willem Dafoe too? As a Cyrus Hardman. Okay Masterman and MacQueen work for Ratchett apparently, got it. It's funny seeing Derek Jacobi as a put-upon manservant here, reminds me of a role he played in Gosford Park, if I recall? Anyway Depp seems to be overdoing it a a bit as Ratchett. Relax, dude. He's not a good guy, tough on the help. And apparently he's getting threatening notes. After Masterman brings him a drink he runs into Hubbard, and gives her a good looking over. "Eyes linger any longer I'll have to charge rent." To be sure. 



Poirot learns after the first night that he's being upgraded, to Bouc's first class cabin. Always nice. We have a nice scene in the dining car as Bouc and Poirot have a meal, we learn that Hardman is apparently racist, and Debenham takes exception to that. Daisy Ridley seems to be holding her own so far with this ensemble. And we get a rather deliberate moment of poignancy when Bouc exhorts Poirot to lighten up and enjoy some romance, and Poirot replies that he had somebody... once. He then has cake with Ratchett, who wants to hire him to serve as a bodyguard. Poirot refuses- they don't get on well. And at a stop in Vinkovci we see Dr. Arbuthnot and MacQueen walking together- something Ratchett sees as well. 

There's a storm in the mountains and lightning triggers an avalanche- I think in the '74 version it was just snow over the train tracks?- so that brings things to a halt. Oh and Poirot hears a thudding noise from Ratchett's cabin- uh huh- and is that Hubbard running through the hallway with some kind of red robe on? Anyway the train's fucked (and on a bridge to boot) so thing are a little tense in the dining car the next morning. Everyone wants to know what the fuck, and Bouc is like chill, they'll be along to dig us out. Estravados makes a rather dire warning that some things are out of their hands. I'm sure. 

Ratchett is of course murdered and I love how the whole scene of finding his body is shot from above. Bouc implores Poirot to take the case, which Poirot has no desire to do, but Bouc convinces him by pointing out that local police will most likely pick a suspect and hang them- and it could be Marquez due to his name, or Arbuthnot for the color of his skin. That's an interesting premise. So the questioning begins and there's a dining car full of nervous suspects. Poirot finds a charred remnant of a note and realizes that Ratchett was really Cassetti, the culprit in a child abduction that ended in the child's death two years prior. And Hubbard insists a man was in her room during the night.  



Debenham has a secret, and she's not telling! Poirot asks her what she meant when she talked to Arbuthnot before the trip- words that Poirot overheard- but she declines to explain. But ooh! Hildegarde has info! Poirot learns that she saw a different conductor in the night, and that red robe/ kimono thing is found in his luggage. And an extra conductor uniform- with passkey- is found in Hildegarde's cabin. MacQueen is implicated, but nah- he didn't do it. Hubbard meanwhile is stabbed- seems fairly ho-hum, they pull the knife out- and move on with the investigation. Poirot figures out that everyone has a connection to the abducted child case, and that they all might be involved- and when he gets Debenham to admit her part Arbuthnot shoots him out of the blue. Woo did not see that coming! 

So Poirot gathers everyone outside (cold!!) and tells them there are two options. Either someone joined the train at Vinkovci, did the deed, and escaped- nah!- or... they all did it! Yeah that's it. All of them had lives that were destroyed or impacted by the murder, and Poirot lays it out in a pretty effective way. I like it, even though I'm getting cold watching them with those mountains and snow in the background (and that friggin mustache is sooo annoying). But you know... Branagh did a fine job! I like this version of the detective way more than what I've seen of the '74 version. . 

Hubbard admits it was her doing- she recruited everyone and they all took part, including everyone taking a turn stabbing Ratchett. Pretty effective flashback scene showing it, too. A poignant moment, with the music a nice accompaniment. I get more impressed with this movie as it goes along. Poirot tells them they can go free, he cannot judge them, if only they kill him, to silence him, and places a gun before them. Hubbard grabs it, but to kill herself, not him- but the gun is empty. And Poirot walks away. 

Powerful moment. And I almost shed a tear as Michelle Pfeiffer brings the emotion with her performance. The train reaches the station and Poirot informs the police that a lone assassin did the deed and escaped- and he tells the assembled passengers that in this case, and for the first time, he must let the scales of justice be unbalanced, or whatever. What's really important is that he lets them go, and lies to protect them. Which really is the only thing to do, I'm thinking? I loved seeing everyone coming to terms with the aftermath, reflecting quietly or playing cards, brooding. And, as he disembarks, Poirot is approached by a man who says he is needed- in Egypt. There has been - a death on the Nile! 

So this was actually good. And once more I am forced to reevaluate the name of this feature- either that, or start picking worse movies! Although in my defense I had heard pretty lukewarm, to actually bad, things about this one. But nope- I liked it.   


43 comments:

  1. Every time I see anything about this movie, all I can think is, "MUSTACHE!" Are you kidding? That is ALL I would look at for two hours. Because I don't think my eyes would be capable of looking anywhere else while it's on screen. I just wouldn't be able to help it lol. The hair is so long even?? How does one get their mustache to do that??? Anyway, believe it or not, I did read this whole post, not just the part about the mustache lol. It actually does sound like a decent movie!

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    1. I know! It's way too distracting. Seriously they needed to tone that down a bit. And yeah... surprisingly, it was pretty good!

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  2. I'm with Kristen, I kind of focused on the moustache way more than I should have! I think the script here wasn't as good as it should have been for actors of this calibre. I thought Michelle Pfeiffer was hands down THE BEST.

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    1. Michelle was the best. And yes some of the actors were barely used- Penelope Cruz? Derek Jacobi? Many of them. And I know- prior to the movie I had seen the mustache and I was like, REALLY???

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  3. I'm actually glad to hear you enjoyed this one! I had really wanted to see it but then read a lot of bad reviews and gave up on it. I think maybe I'll go ahead and give it a try now. I do love Judi Dench and Michelle Pfeiffer.

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    1. I did. And I *gasp* recommend it! It's not excellent but it's plenty good.

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  4. Ah, so not a movie that sucks! You do have to pick cheesier movies that "jump the shark" or have 2 features-- one with decent movies, and one for movies not worth watching :)

    I would watch this if given the chance.

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    1. I know- I'm failing at this feature. :)

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  5. Such a fun review, Greg! I re-watched the 1974 version first to remind me of the story, and I have to admit the colors and the scenery was fabulous. This movie was good, but I can't say it was my fave, even though I like these kind of stories of whodunit. I think that mustache was meant to grab our attention, and it did a great job of it.(lol) Hugs...RO

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    1. Thanks! I agree about the mustache! And I really should go finish the '74 version, to compare.

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  6. I've never been much interested in Agatha Christie-books or adaptations to be honest so despite the good cast, I won't be looking at it.

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    1. I have never read her, and seen few movies based on her stuff, so this was pretty new for me!

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  7. This one didn’t seem to make much of a splash when it hit theaters and I’d forgotten just how many people were in it beyond Branagh (who I’ve always liked). I mean, geez, this is like The Love Boat of movies. I love when the guy is stabbed and they just pull the knife out and carry on. Bahaha!!

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    1. I have not seen a lot of Branagh but I liked this. And yeah I noticed that too- it kinda came and went. There's such a small window for movies to make a splash these days... and yes the cast is awesome. I liked that too!

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  8. I'm glad you liked this, I had also heard less than great things, so it's good to know not everyone knows what they're talking about, lol.😁

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    1. Ha you know I was expecting this to be dreadful and it good!

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  9. I will probably watch this when it comes on the telly. Loved the book and I think I've watched every movie.

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  10. I loved this movie...thank goodness I didn’t listen to the not so good reviews. Now I movie I will never watch is Book Club...

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    1. I saw a lot of bad reviews for this and you know, it's not bad!

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  11. I liked this but... it's the overhead shots. And similar artsy sh**. There were many moments where Branagh is trying to prove how smart he is with the cinematography and/or acting, and it just makes me wanna throw something at him, tbh.

    Have you checked out the BBC Christie adaps? I love those! :)

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  12. I haven't seen this yet but I have actually heard really good things about it.

    Karen @ For What It's Worth

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  13. I've actually never seen this one. It's not my kind of movie.

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  14. I was curious about this movie. I think I'll give it a go now. Yeah, you might need a new tag for your posts. LOL

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  15. I heard good things about this remake. Glad you liked it. I must say. This feature is really impressive with all the clips and I can only imagine how much work goes into it. Great job!

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  16. I liked this movie, although I was a bit peeved when my husband was able to figure it out right at the beginning - he's way too good at stuff like that! But what I didn't get was - Johnny Depp's character didn't recognize any of those people on the train? I mean, I know he asks Poirot to be his bodyguard, because of the notes, but he didn't connect any of those people to the kidnapped child?

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  17. I never saw the original or read the book but this is one that I still want to see.

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  18. I was really not interested in this, probably because of the mustache, and also, movies. But then I saw Leslie Odom Jr on the poster you shared! But I still only cared for a little bit, I feel like your watching of it is good enough for me? Also I really cannot handle Johnny Depp. I loathe him, and I don't even know why, he just pisses me off so there's that. Glad this one wasn't bad!

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  19. I actually really didn't enjoy this movie for a number of reasons, but I'm glad you were able to! I do wonder if I'd enjoy the book, even knowing the ending...

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  20. I loved the original movie, so I probably wouldn't watch this one anyway, but it's good to know it might not be as bad as I've heard in case it ever comes up in conversation. ☺

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  21. Branagh's mustache is like a movie all on it's own. I had high hopes for this movie because I read the book and loved the ending. I don't think the movie captured it for me. That's always the risk with adaptations, isn't it? It had a stellar cast, though.

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  22. I really wanted to like this movie, but I found it to be incredibly boring but also very rushed. Great cast though!

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  23. I liked this movie. I was gripped the whole way through. I don't understand why people called it boring or rushed because I didn't feel that. But to each their own.

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  24. I haven't seen this yet and am still not sold on the Brannagh/Poirot casting choice but you've convinced me to give it a try! Maybe put a question mark after the suck? Or yeah you're going to have to start picking worse movies!

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  25. That mustacheo is killing me! My daughter had a doc with the same mustache and it was all I could do to keep a straight face whenever we visited his office.

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  26. Hmmm... well, at least it wasn't horrible for you, but I guess it does count as Movies That Suck... since critics think it sucks. Maybe Movies That Might Suck? Or just a question mark like Katherine said.

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  27. For me it was a bit underwhelming, but still decent enough - I have to admit though - that mustache was really distracting. :)

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  28. I thought this movie was great! To be honest I liked it more than the book. It made more sense than the book. Plus there were so many great actors in it.

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  29. I thought this was a beautiful looking film, but I liked earlier version better. I read the book several times and I think it better conveyed the story. Still, this was good. Glad you liked it, Greg! :)

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  30. Though it's a little slow moving, I actually really liked this one. It's well thought out and the cast is brilliant. Now I need to, maybe, read the book. :D

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  31. I haven't seen this movie yet, but from what you wrote about it, it seems like it's a pretty faithful adaptation of the book.

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  32. Glad you liked it. I was more neutral -- but that mustache! ARGH.

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  33. I saw this in the theater and didn't think it was terrible. But I agree on Branagh and that terrible mustache. He just did not work for me as Poirot and I that mustache was the fakest looking ever...
    Jen Ryland Reviews

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