Movies That Suck Mad Max: Fury Road

Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways. So get comfortable, grab a favorite beverage, and let me tell you about a movie that sucks. 

Okay Mad Max: Fury Road doesn't actually suck. It's a pretty decent movie, not as good as The Road Warrior in my opinion, but still entertaining. Charlize Theron is the bomb as Furiosa. But this movie has so much mayhem in it that it just seems like a natural for this treatment- so buckle in and hang on tight, cause we're going into the apocalypse.  

This movie has a weird beginning. We have some voiceover from Max, who's eating a lizard, and then he's being chased by some crazies. You know, it's very similar to The Road Warrior where he gets run down and his car wrecked. For being such a badass road warrior, he certainly doesn't last very long when chased? But anyway he's captured and being tattooed and all that, he breaks free and tries to escape, but even as he's running he's having all these flashbacks of his daughter and other people who were killed. It's kind of a breakneck action scene though, with him hanging over a big drop before they reel him back in, but it's just kinda weird. Oh, and I already don't really like Tom Hardy as Max?   

We cut to Furiosa, the real star of this movie, played by Charlize. She's getting ready to drive a truck to- wherever they're going. Apparently they're going to trade for gas and bullets from someplace called Gas Town. Anyway Furiosa works for Immortan Joe, the creepyish warlord of this place, who is one weird looking dude and all these albino- looking guys called War Dogs are his enforcers. There's a crowd of people waiting for water, which Joe dispenses just enough of to get them all fighting over it, and then turns the spigot off. Nice guy. Furiosa meanwhile is on her way with some War Boy escorts but she turns off the road and heads east, into the desert, confusing her escort. 

Okay this is effed up. Back at the oasis Joe is inspecting milk, which has just been pumped out by a row of obese milking mothers? And some lookout guy tells Joe that Furiosa has gone off script, since they're watching her through a telescope. Joe immediately runs to a vault, where apparently he keeps his harem, and discovers his bevy of concubines are missing. An old woman there tells him that they're gone, and the words We Are Not Things is scrawled on the wall. 

Joe is pissed y'all and sends a slew of War Boys after her. He wants his "breeders" back, after all. Nux is a War Boy who's apparently not well, but he wants to go, so they hook up Max to the front of Nux's vehicle and use him as a "blood bag." Yes, Nux transfuses off of Max's blood. I don't know, did I say this didn't suck? I may have been wrong. And talk about over the top- you have guys banging on drums and some insane electric guitarist with flame shooting from his guitar. Go big or go home I guess. 

Nux is nuts apparently, thinking he's bound for Valhalla and a glorious death when Immortan Joe happens to look over at him. Meanwhile poor Max is strapped to the front of the vehicle with a muzzle on. Furiosa at this point is in enemy territory now, and a clan called the Buzzards are on the move. Ooh they have VW Bugs covered in spikes. Kinda cool- like a porcupine on wheels. Stuff is blowing up now, and people are getting wasted. Pretty good action scene. I'll say it now and probably throughout the movie- how no one died making this film is beyond me. 

What I don't get is how Joe's convoy has caught up to Furiosa so fast. I mean she had this huge head start, Joe had to mobilize all his dudes, and yet they're caught up to her. Bullshit. Nux and his boys are out ahead though and engaging the Buzzards. More deaths, and ooh this was badass. 

Ooh now we see the cargo that Furiosa is hauling. Joe's breeders make an appearance, led by the Splendid Angharad (yes, that's her name). Apparently they can't breathe back in the tanker so they're moving up to the cab. And the Buzzard spike- mobiles keep getting blown up, but the last one is hanging on- why doesn't he just call it a day and bail? Oops he's done. Furiosa is in trouble now- but wait? Suddenly there's a huge sandstorm on the horizon- with lightning and everything. She goes in and only Nux and a few others are dumb enough to follow.  

Somehow conveniently only Nux and Max survive, even though this massive storm has mini tornadoes and firestorms in it. Okaaayy. I'm sorry but when Furiosa and Nux collide, there is no way Max is surviving it. Well, he did. Moving on, we now have Furiosa working on her rig and Max shows up. He gets his first glimpse of the breeders- the aforementioned Splendid Angharad, as well as Cheedo the Fragile, the Dag, Toast the Knowing (Zoe Kravitz!!), and Capable. I can see myself after this hitting up a Fury Road wiki to find out what all that shit means. Anyway Max demands water from the women, and when Angharad- who is very pregnant- complies, Furiosa gets the drop on him. They fight.  

Max is free now (still has the muzzle on though) and decides to take off, leaving the women behind. Nice, Max! But he doesn't get far- Furiosa has a kill switch on the engine,and only she knows it. So Furiosa and the breeders are back onboard and just in time, because Joe is right behind them. And Nux stows away onboard but is soon chucked off. Furiosa is back at the wheel and had a deal with another clan for safe passage, but that goes to shit and they're on the run again. More carnage ensues and shockingly, Angharad gets killed. I didn't see that coming.  

Nux is still aboard but traumatized by Angharad's death, and he and Capable forge a fast connection. An hour into the movie and for the first time it slows down a bit. They drive into the night and Nux soon proves himself useful. Angharad, meanwhile, was not dead after all but soon dies, and Joe has the baby cut out to try and save it, but it's dead. Bizarre plot point. Furiosa and Max soon reach the all-women tribe that Furiosa comes from, called the Vuvalini or Many Mothers. Seriously. Unfortunately, the Green Place she hoped to come back to is gone- the land ruined. There's only a few of the Mothers left, and Furiosa realizes everything she knew is gone. 

 So it's nighttime again, and I have to say the night shots in the desert are beautiful. Furiosa tells Max he's welcome to come with them- they're heading west over salt flats, destination unknown- but Max says he'll make his own way. The next day they're gone, but he catches up and makes a proposal- that they go back, where there is green and water, a chance to start over. A chance for redemption. Furiosa agrees. It's kind of an interesting plot point- they spend most of the movie trying to get away, and then with a half hour left, they're going back. They have to go right through Joe's war parties though, so it's on.  

The stunts get even crazier in the last quarter of the movie, with polecats (guys on long poles) getting to the rig, one even pulling Toast out of the cab. Total mayhem ensues, Furiosa gets to Joe and kills him, after almost getting killed herself, and again how the stunt personnel survived is beyond me. Nux sacrifices himself in a poignant moment and Max has to transfuse Furiosa to save her - and when they arrive at the Citadel the crowd goes crazy when Max dumps Joe's body for all to see. Oh and the milking mothers turn the water on for everyone. The water flows and Furiosa, along with the surviving breeders, symbolically take over. Max, however, leaves after sharing one last look with Furiosa.