Kicking off this week is Lake Placid, a semi- classic about a crocodile that's really big. I've only seen parts of it before so this will be a first time watching all the way through. Lucky me, I'm sure. It has a semi- decent cast, with Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda. I think Bridget was primarily the draw - you don't see her in much any more- but I digress. Let's get started.
So we have the obligatory first victim right off the bat. Some biologist guy is diving, looking to tag beavers, and gets more than he bargained for. Shades of Jaws here. Kinda gross. Kelly meanwhile (played by Bridget) is a paleontologist in New York who has just discovered that her boyfriend (and boss) is sleeping with someone else. Someone she knows. Nice. They get a report of the killing in Maine and Kelly is sent to look at a tooth that was found. An apparently prehistoric tooth?
Okay so Kelly is sadly irritating- she's laying the city-girl-who-hates-wilderness thing on a little thick. Her and Jack are getting to know each other- sarcastically- when a crocodile expert shows up. Turns out Hector is quite the character- and he quickly becomes irritating as well. Is anyone likable in this movie? Not so far. They keep finding things though, like moose heads and, um, human body parts, so they definitely have a problem. Oh and their canoe gets flipped, Kelly and the sheriff hit the water, but luckily they're okay. This time.
So a half hour in and I'm... kinda bored. Jack and Hector go diving though to see what they can find. Kelly gets dunked again when the croc grabs the anchor line and drags the boat. And a sheriff's deputy gets his head bitten off, because of course. Yikes! Oh and a bear attacks... out of nowhere. But the croc comes ashore and eats it! Now it's on. And of course Jack is injured- just a scratch on the arm- but it's enough that Kelly can tend to it, you know.
I'm not really feeling the chemistry between Jack and Kelly though. Anyway Hector and the attractive deputy he's been hitting on go up in a helicopter to scout, but Hector decides to land in a cove that looks promising. Meanwhile poor Kelly chances upon a human head in the woods, and after freaking out (understandably), they see Betty White doing something odd.
Best of the movie right there. So when they confront her she explains that she's been feeding it for 6 years. And... it may have killed her husband, but that was all a mistake. You know. Oh and it's really his lake now, she points out helpfully. Meanwhile Hector is going to dive again, and deputy Gare says she'll have sex with him if he doesn't. She has a really bad feeling about all this. The sheriff tells Betty to stay put, she's under house arrest, and she calls him officer fuckmeat. I did not make that up.
I'm calling it now- deputy Gare is toast. So Hector comes up for a look around, and the crocodile is... there. Right next to him. Fuck. But it must still be full from Betty's cow because it doesn't attack right away, and Hector makes it back on the chopper. Then it attacks and just about brings the whole thing down. Luckily they escape... glad I was wrong about deputy Gare. She's nice. So Fish & Wildlife is taking this shit seriously now and is going to come and kill it, but for some inexplicable reason Kelly and Hector (mostly Hector) want it kept alive. And they actually consider this??
The plan apparently involves a cow, since they take one of Betty's animals by helicopter as bait. Niiiice. "You're all cocksuckers," she informs them helpfully. Apparently it's okay if she feeds the croc. So they lower the cow into the water... just a bit, you understand... and now it's nighttime. Naturally. That poor cow has been dangling in the water all day?? How did PETA not go apeshit over this?
That's actual dialogue. And you know, I feel sorry for the cow because they're just dragging this out. But oh no! Something goes wrong. Somehow the cow gets disconnected and falls in the drink, and then Hector crashes for some unknown reason. So where did the croc go? You know, for something that big it sure is stealthy. Hector's in trouble so sheriff goes in. Aww. Croc almost gets sheriff, comes ashore, and Kelly falls out of the truck. Lots of shooting commences, and she gets tail slapped into the water. Kelly is way too much a damsel here. She needs a gun.
Now it's after Kelly again, and she dives under to get away. But oh she's caught- her foot gets tangled in seaweed. Here it comes! She's free after it almost eats the post she's behind. She climbs aboard the chopper, more fuckery ensues and the croc is now IN the chopper. It's stuck though, and they can tranquilize it. Mission accomplished. But wait, there's more! Another croc appears and just about eats Hector, but the sheriff blows that one away. Thank goodness. They're actually going to put croc in an aquarium... Hector is taken off in an ambulance, and... the sheriff goes with. Um, so that's happening. Kelly and Jack go to have a beer, and the start I'm sure of a beautiful relationship. Oh, and the cow survived.
We close this motion picture with Betty sitting on her dock... feeding the little ones!