Thursday, March 22, 2018

Movies That Suck - Lake Placid

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Movies That Suck is a feature where I watch a bad movie and share my reactions to it in real time. Sort of like live tweeting without the tweeting. I watch it so you don't have to! This will be spoilery I guess by definition, but since you probably won't want to watch these anyway it probably won't matter? But heads up anyways. So get comfortable, grab a favorite beverage, and let me tell you about a movie that sucks. 

Kicking off this week is Lake Placid, a semi- classic about a crocodile that's really big. I've only seen parts of it before so this will be a first time watching all the way through. Lucky me, I'm sure. It has a semi- decent cast, with Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda. I think Bridget was primarily the draw - you don't see her in much any more- but I digress. Let's get started.  

So we have the obligatory first victim right off the bat. Some biologist guy is diving, looking to tag beavers, and gets more than he bargained for. Shades of Jaws here. Kinda gross. Kelly meanwhile (played by Bridget) is a paleontologist in New York who has just discovered that her boyfriend (and boss) is sleeping with someone else. Someone she knows. Nice. They get a report of the killing in Maine and Kelly is sent to look at a tooth that was found. An apparently prehistoric tooth?   

Kelly arrives in Maine and immediately hits it off with the sheriff and Jack, a Fish & Wildlife guy (Pullman). Love interest! They go to see an old woman who lives on the lake- being that it's Betty White, you know she's going to show up again. Turns out they need to camp for two days while they investigate the area. Kelly's idea of camping is a Ramada Inn and wants to know if there will be toilets? 

Okay so Kelly is sadly irritating- she's laying the city-girl-who-hates-wilderness thing on a little thick. Her and Jack are getting to know each other- sarcastically- when a crocodile expert shows up. Turns out Hector is quite the character- and he quickly becomes irritating as well. Is anyone likable in this movie? Not so far. They keep finding things though, like moose heads and, um, human body parts, so they definitely have a problem. Oh and their canoe gets flipped, Kelly and the sheriff hit the water, but luckily they're okay. This time.  

So a half hour in and I'm... kinda bored. Jack and Hector go diving though to see what they can find. Kelly gets dunked again when the croc grabs the anchor line and drags the boat. And a sheriff's deputy gets his head bitten off, because of course. Yikes! Oh and a bear attacks... out of nowhere. But the croc comes ashore and eats it! Now it's on. And of course Jack is injured- just a scratch on the arm- but it's enough that Kelly can tend to it, you know. 

I'm not really feeling the chemistry between Jack and Kelly though. Anyway Hector and the attractive deputy he's been hitting on go up in a helicopter to scout, but Hector decides to land in a cove that looks promising. Meanwhile poor Kelly chances upon a human head in the woods, and after freaking out (understandably), they see Betty White doing something odd.   



Best of the movie right there. So when they confront her she explains that she's been feeding it for 6 years. And... it may have killed her husband, but that was all a mistake. You know. Oh and it's really his lake now, she points out helpfully. Meanwhile Hector is going to dive again, and deputy Gare says she'll have sex with him if he doesn't. She has a really bad feeling about all this. The sheriff tells Betty to stay put, she's under house arrest, and she calls him officer fuckmeat. I did not make that up.  

I'm calling it now- deputy Gare is toast. So Hector comes up for a look around, and the crocodile is... there. Right next to him. Fuck. But it must still be full from Betty's cow because it doesn't attack right away, and Hector makes it back on the chopper. Then it attacks and just about brings the whole thing down. Luckily they escape... glad I was wrong about deputy Gare. She's nice. So Fish & Wildlife is taking this shit seriously now and is going to come and kill it, but for some inexplicable reason Kelly and Hector (mostly Hector) want it kept alive. And they actually consider this??  



The plan apparently involves a cow, since they take one of Betty's animals by helicopter as bait. Niiiice. "You're all cocksuckers," she informs them helpfully. Apparently it's okay if she feeds the croc. So they lower the cow into the water... just a bit, you understand... and now it's nighttime. Naturally. That poor cow has been dangling in the water all day?? How did PETA not go apeshit over this?  

"She's mooing."
"You wouldn't?" 

That's actual dialogue. And you know, I feel sorry for the cow because they're just dragging this out. But oh no! Something goes wrong. Somehow the cow gets disconnected and falls in the drink, and then Hector crashes for some unknown reason. So where did the croc go? You know, for something that big it sure is stealthy. Hector's in trouble so sheriff goes in. Aww. Croc almost gets sheriff, comes ashore, and Kelly falls out of the truck. Lots of shooting commences, and she gets tail slapped into the water. Kelly is way too much a damsel here. She needs a gun. 

Now it's after Kelly again, and she dives under to get away. But oh she's caught- her foot gets tangled in seaweed. Here it comes! She's free after it almost eats the post she's behind. She climbs aboard the chopper, more fuckery ensues and the croc is now IN the chopper. It's stuck though, and they can tranquilize it. Mission accomplished. But wait, there's more! Another croc appears and just about eats Hector, but the sheriff blows that one away. Thank goodness. They're actually going to put croc in an aquarium... Hector is taken off in an ambulance, and... the sheriff goes with. Um, so that's happening. Kelly and Jack go to have a beer, and the start I'm sure of a beautiful relationship. Oh, and the cow survived. 

We close this motion picture with Betty sitting on her dock... feeding the little ones!   


53 comments:

  1. Ha ha. I love this post.
    I have seen Lake Placid but it was a long time ago. It's not one I care to rewatch.
    "more fuckery ensues" - just about sums it up lol.

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    1. Thanks! :) Yeah once is probably enough!

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  2. Once again, I have not see one of you "movies that suck". Maybe that means I can weed out the bad ones? =) Though, it seems worth a look just to see Betty White feeding baby crocs.

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    1. Oh you don't know what you're missing. In all seriousness, it's not THAT bad.

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  3. Oh yikes... this sounds like a mess!

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  4. I can watch cheesy movies like this no problem. I love all the fuckery!
    Lynn :D

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    1. Ha ha this one is not bad! And yes sometimes those movies are the most fun to watch!

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  5. This is great and funny.
    I watch films like this because they suck and I love mocking them with whoever I'm watching with.
    Cora | http://www.teapartyprincess.co.uk/

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    1. Thanks! And right?? Mocking them is half the fun!

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  6. I liked this film when I first saw it and hadn't watched it for years. So I went back to it at the end of last year and I thought it was dreadful! Kelly is whiny spoiled brat who drove me mad and Hector was a pain in the ass. I honestly don't know what used to appeal about this but it's gone now!

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    1. I actually liked it- or parts of it anyway. The Betty scenes are a riot. But yeah Kelly bugged me especially in the early going!

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  7. Thanks for the best entertainment I'll have all day! Please do more of these, I love the play by play😁

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    1. Hey sure! Maximum Overdrive is next week- trust me that one's WORSE!

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  8. I saw this years ago - I'm sure I didn't think it was anything great, just one of those movies that's kind of fun to watch because it's so bad!

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    1. I had only seen parts of it, so it was nice to see the rest, including some choice Betty moments. :)

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  9. lol ok ugh! You are right I love the spoilery aspect of these reviews because I a'int watching this! NU_HUH! LOL
    You had me a really big crocodile. I have never been a fan of gigantic animals movies! Never like King Kong or Gozilla or any similar! Shades of Jaws! UGH UGH UGH LOL
    irritating characters are almost as much as a no-no as the big animals :)

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    1. You know... if you like "bad" movies that are sorta fun, this isn't bad. Did I just say that???

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    2. Lol! I have to say... guilty! I do like many “bad” movies because they are fun 😜

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  10. Ha ha! Oh come on! This one was priceless!

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    1. It IS priceless, and partly because they play it straight. I mean it never really descends TOO far into camp, you know??

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  11. OMG this was priceless! I’m still gasping for air after reading that Betty called someone Officer Fuckmeat. Bahaha! And the fact that the gator almost took down the helicopter - total jump the shark moment. LOL

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    1. Right? I had to play it back, like did she REALLY say that? Oh yeah she did. Frankly she has the best lines in this one!

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  12. I loved Betty White in this movie. I thought she was fun. Yes, the movie itself was a bit...cheesy but I like cheese and lots of it.

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  13. I used to live tweet my syfy movie watching years ago. This post makes me happy.

    Karen @ For What It's Worth

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    1. That would be so fun. And I'm glad you liked it :)

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  14. I love these, they are so cheesy adn bad

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  15. OMG... I laughed just reading this. I might have seen this, it sounds familiar. The croc in the chopper is a little far fetched, but hey at least the cow survived, and Betty is feeding more so you never know you might get an even worse sequel.

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    1. Oh my gosh the croc IN the chopper- I about died. Even up to that point it was ridiculous. But then it was stuck, which was sorta funny? But yes at least the cow survived- TBH I forgot all about the cow when the chaos started, so kudos to the filmmakers for letting us know it made it. And there have been sequels!!! but I think I'm done with this particular franchise lolol

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  16. HAHAHA you are hysterical. How could I pass this by when the title had me at Movies that Suck...OMG, I have plenty that could be added to this list. Sorry it sucked.

    Mary

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    1. Thanks!!! And yes it takes a special kind of movie for this post and I'm open suggestions!!

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  17. I am dying at the last video of Betty referring to herself as the crocodile babies'"mama" hahah it really sounds like she was the star of this movie! "Officer Fuckmeat" like what even?! Love it! But... did they ever address WHY there are crocodiles in Maine? Because I still feel like that shouldn't be a thing? And I want to know who came up with any and all of this plot because it's borderline impressive that someone's mind decided that any of this should have been a thing! This is so fun!

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    1. Right- it's awesome. They're so tiny but the way SHE feeds 'em- no wonder there are so many sequel! And no although one dude says maybe it swam in through the waterways, or came from Asia??? Pssshh...

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  18. Betty White was my favorite part of this movie. "Well, thank you very much, officer fuckmeat!" OMG, my sides!

    ~Mogsy @ BiblioSanctum

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    1. I was not expecting THAT and about fell over!

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  19. I've never seen this movie all the way through, just caught moments as I'm clicking through. I always stick around for Betty White moments, but then move along once it passes her. Guess I now know why - no one is likeable and it's boring as hell lol! Love this new feature Greg :)

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    1. I never had as well. It was a trip to watch straight through let me say. But Betty White is amazing!

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  20. I have never seen this but I have a friend who swears this is the best worst movie ever, and she is always trying to talk people into watching it.

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    1. The best worse movie ever is a GREAT way to describe this!!

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  21. This movie was soooooooooo bad that I can remember some of the things that were said when The Ex and I were watching it. Ha ha. I love this feature and am looking forward to the next one. :D

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  22. Camping at Ramada Inn? I hate wilderness too, but even I know hotels aren't camping lol.

    She has a bad feeling about the guy to go diving in the lake with the giant monster gator? Why doesn't everyone have a bad feeling about that??? Why would he even do that???

    Betty White sounds like the best part of the movie, definitely.

    Well, at least one cow survived lol.

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    1. I know, she was so irritating at first but by the end she was Okay. And right why would anyone DO that? Especially since the first victim had been... diving. Um don't think so people.

      But yes who knew cows could swim? I mean I'm assuming, since they dropped it out in the lake and afterward it ws... okay??

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  23. haha great post. I remember liking both Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda in this one and how great that Betty White had been feeding this crocodile for so long and no one knew. I love this era for movies, the 90's-early mid 2000's. The films from those years have a special flair I think.

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    1. I think you might be right! So much good stuff to work with I'm sure I will revisit that era of moviemaking periodically ha! And I did like Fonda in this (and Pullman actually). But yes she had been feeding the croc for YEARS- I laughed so hard.

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  24. Haha. This is one of my favorite creature films!! :)

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    1. I loved it actually. Well not LOVED, but you know... it's fun. Definitely one of my favorite creature films!

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  25. This is such a guilty pleasure for me; I loved it when I was a kid. I don't know how much of it I would like if I saw it for the first time now, because it definitely hasn't aged well and it was never a masterpiece to begin with. But Betty White is always a good bet. She was gold in this!

    Love the new feature :) Can't wait for your next one!

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    1. Thanks! Max Overdrive is this Thursday, so bring popcorn. :) And yes it's a perfect guilty pleasure movie! Betty White was awesome!

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  26. I saw this movie and liked it. I have a strange love for Tess horrible horror movies. They are dumb but I find them entertaining.

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  27. I've never seen this one and I think I'm good! I'll let you have all the cow eating alligator joy. I do love Betty White though and her in a horror movie sounds pretty entertaining!

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